Kicking it the Classy Way: TW&WTOTC VOL II!
by HolliiiCruiser
Summary: A brand new batch of one-shots guaranteed to shock and awe... But mostly, they'll just make you question my own/your sanity. Chapter Five: Intelligent Movie-goers. Edward and Bella try to decide what movie to go see. Short and Sweet-ish.
1. Edward's Special Hidden Talent

**Author's Note: This is basically VOLUME TWO! of the Weird and Wonderful Tales of the Cullens. I sort of felt like everything in the first volume was running together, and stuff was getting lost in it, plus, I really just wanted to starts something new. So I can sort of see how my writing has evolved and whatnot. :) So, I hope everyone enjoys this one just as much as the first!**

**Edward's "Special" Hidden Talent**

**An Edward and Bella Anecdote. :)**

She counted the days on the calendar, and felt her stomach drop a step with each passing day. Her head throbbed and her eyes ached when she realized that she had counted a total of 14 days.

Fourteen days.

She sat on the bed tenderly, that added up to two weeks.

Which officially let her know it was probably something she should worry about.

With a flurrying motion that almost made the bile resurface into Bella's mouth, Alice Cullen was sitting beside her, her eyes sympathetic and her hands filled with tubs of ice-cream.

What a best friend.

Bella glanced at her. "I guess you know the good news then."

Alice gave her a somber half-smile. "He must have been really good for this to happen. Until now, we all thought it was impossible. Carlisle was actually speechless."

"Well," Bella allowed. "I can't honestly say I have any complaints about his performance. It really was a crowd pleaser." They laughed together.

"Not even Jasper got that far, and believe me, he's no awkward teenager when it comes to that stuff. He's more like a… stallion if you will. And his fingers are so nimble! You wouldn't know it to look at them, but they are as quick as lightening!"

Bella nodded. "You should see Edward's reflexes when he's faced with a dilemma, sometimes I blink and he's already changed positions. He wins every time."

Alice cracked open one of the canisters of ice-cream, and pulled a spoon from behind her ear. "This will make you feel better."

Bella dug in with fury. "Oh, Alice, it's the Stephen Colbert Special Edition Ben & Jerry's! Oh, I don't deserve you!" And she burst into frightening tears.

Alice patted her shoulder comfortingly. "Just calm down, Bella, just look back on Edward's accomplishments and be proud! Not everyone packs that much of a punch, if you know what I mean." She gave her a knowing wink.

"True, not everyone can get into the World Gamin Competition. And, he's in for playing Call of Duty, which just adds to the glamour of it. I guess I can live with him being gone for two weeks, if he brings a really big trophy home."

"I'm sure he will, and if he doesn't, I'm sure he'll make it up to him somehow." Alice giggled, raising her eyebrows at Bella suggestively.

"Oh, Alice, is that all you ever think about?" Bella smiled slyly.

"I meant more of this ice-cream, Bella! Is that all you ever think about?" Alice questioned sadly.

Bella took an especially large bite of waffle-ly coned deliciousness. "Well, after waiting for so long, you're basically forced to use your imagination."

Alice nodded her head. "Sometimes it's like that even after you've stopped waiting, but that's a whole different story."

**Author's Note:**

**Ah, I felt like writing something a little raunchy, I just spent the whole day watching That 70's Show and reading Twilight… When I hit about Season Five and started New Moon for the third time in a week, it all started to run together. I actually imagined Edward Cullen running naked through a presidential rally yelling "Wee-wee, Pee-pee!'**

**Not a sight I was fighting to get out of my head, if you know what I mean. :) **

**Plus, I am really tired of seeing all the "Edward/Bella are preggers!" stories, and this is me making fun of them all, in a nice, polite way the you will laugh at even while I am severely burning you. That's how I work. I make the humiliation pleasurable. :)**

**EDIT: (8/8/08) Oh, crap. I just majorly stuck my foot in my mouth. Hee-hee. Yay for Pregnant Bella!**


	2. What would you do?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, any related images or characters, or Klondike Bars.**

**This could technically be set anywhere in ****Twilight****, ****New Moon****, or ****Eclipse****, but I like to imagine it during that perfect summer Bella mentions in the beginning of ****New Moon****.**

**Tonight on "I Have No Social Life" Theater….**

"**What would you do… (for a Klondike bar)not really?"**

**A Holli-Loves-Edward Production**

**Brought to you in part by the "Jacob Must Die" Company**

**Fulfilling all your douche-bag harming needs**

**Enjoy the show, and tip your waitresses.**

Rainy days.

Rainy days are the only reason Monopoly exists. The only time it is acceptable to spend hours and hours buying unsubtly named boulevards and Park places with fake money that sticks together way too much. If you can make it through a game of Monopoly without making the little Scotty dog run around the board and knock over all your opponents hotels and housing developments, you are indeed a king among men, or a queen among women, or a diva among cross-dressers.

Official, Monopoly is the official game of rainy days, un-officially, of course.

So, what are the official games of sunny days? Un-officially, like I stated before.

Baseball, Go-Karts, Basketball, Swimming, Woofle-ball, hitting people with large bricks, and jumping on the back of an ice-cream truck are all acceptable choices.

But, what if you happen to be a vampire?

That one little fact just shot down every outdoor activity where there is a .00000009876 chance that a lousy human will be present, and that is how the Cullen's, and that little firecracker Bella, ended up playing…

"What would you do…?"

A game aptly named, where the only thing needed are bored participants and the ability to make useless choices, which, come on, everyone has.

The six "kids" made a circle of sorts in the living room.

Emmett and Rosalie lounging comfortably on the couch, wrapped up in an embrace that looked like the result of playing a game of Twister on a minefield.

Jasper and Alice were snuggled deep in the poofy recliner, only slightly less tangled up than their brother and sister.

And, Edward Cullen was lying face-up on his piano bench, one hand lightly playing random keys on his piano, while the other stroked through Bella's hair, which was in easy reach since she was conveniently lying on top of him, her head resting softly on his chest.

"What would you do if you could go outside right now?" She asked, mumbling slightly against the fabric of his shirt.

"Swing."

"Jump-Rope."

"Slip'n'Slide."

"Baseball.:

"Run."

"What would you do if you had to switch genders for a day?" Alice fired off, grinning.

"Jog shirtless."

"Pee standing up."

"Wear a really short skirt."

"Put my hair in pig-tails."

"Paint my toenails."

"What would you do if you only had one leg?" Jasper went next.

"Play a lot of hop-scotch."

"Tell people a shark bit it off."

"Play Dance Dance Revolution"

"Walk around on crutches and try to hit people with them."

"See if I fell down as much as Bella does."

"What would you do if you could be human for a day?" Rosalie said quietly.

"Hmm, I wonder?" Bella laughed.

"Eat cupcakes."

"Go get a physical."

"Break a bone."

Edward was the only one who hadn't answered. Everyone turned to him with knowing smiles, eyes flitting back and forth between him and Bella suggestively.

She blushed a fiery red.

He closed his eyes and smiled softly. "Sleep." He almost whispered.

Five pairs of eyes grew wide, and with a well-placed cough, Jasper gestured for everyone to leave the room.

When they were alone, Edward opened his eyes to find a furious Bella.

"Sleep?" She said disbelieving. "You'd sleep?"

"I never get to sleep." He unnecessarily reminded her.

"But, seriously, you'd sleep? There isn't anything else you'd want to do more?" She questioned.

"What are you getting at?"

"Well, I know that if _I_ could be a vampire for a day, I'd want to, you know, be with you." She finished in a whisper, her eyes looking hurt.

He surprised her by laughing heartily.

"Silly Bella, how did you think I was going to get tired enough _to_ sleep?"

**Author's Note: Oh, I love pretending Edward is a sex-deviant… It makes my day.**

**Oh, and hey, if you need a little more cheesy goodness in your life...**

**Check out my new story!**

**"Getting Back Together is Hard to Do."**

**:)**


	3. YOU JUST GOT PUNK'D!

**BREAKING DAWN SPOILERS!**

_Hey there kids!_

_This is just another one of my random one-shots, I thought of this when reading _**Breaking Dawn**_, and it sort of evolved._

_Enjoy!_

_**BPOV!**_

_He stared at me in confusion. "What? Are you trying to pass this illness off as PMS?"_

_"No," I managed to choke out. "No, Edward. I'm trying to tell you that my period is five days late."_

_His facial expression didn't change. It was like I hadn't spoken._

_"I don't think I have food poisoning."_

He looked up at me then, and I noticed how his eyes flicked down to my stomach. I bit my lip, concentrating on the light in his hair, rather than his eyes.

"That's impossible, Bella. We've been over this before." He managed to force out, his word were meant to be comforting, but the clipped way he said them reinforced the confusion in his eyes.

"What else could it be?" I mouthed, almost no sound escaping, but I knew he would hear, I touched my stomach worriedly.

He sank back into his unmoving, unspeaking statue-esque form.

"Edward! Please say something, say anything!"

He continued to stare down at the floor as if I hadn't uttered a single syllable.

**EPOV!**

In the ninety some-odd years I had been a part of this existence, I thought I had experienced everything out there that could possibly shock me.

And, I thought wryly, all of them had occurred in the space of time I had known Bella.

But, this was something entirely different. This went against everything Carlisle had ever told me, everything I had believed.

When I had been worrying about making love to Bella, I had been worried about hurting her, I was so focused on that, and so sure that what was happening now could never happen, that the thought hadn't even entered my mind.

"Edward! Please say something, say anything!" She half-screamed, half-sobbed from above me and the sound caused me physical pain.

I couldn't look at her, couldn't see the evidence of what I'd done to her, and soon she fled from the room.

I don't know how long I sat there, letting the catastrophic scenarios play out in my head.

She could die, she _would _die.

I was totally absorbed, and I didn't even notice when someone sat beside me, until they spoke.

"Man, what a tough break." A male voice said from beside me, his voice sarcastic. He seemed to be laughing at me. It surprised me, and worried me further, that I had not smelt or heard his approach."Wrap it before you tap it, that's my motto." He nudged me slightly on the shoulder.

I looked up then, recognizing his face. "Ashton Kutcher?" Why was Ashton Kutcher here, on my honeymoon, when my wife was pregnant with my half-vampire spawn, something, until now I hadn't even believed possible?

Ah.

Of course.

Bella ran into the room then, a smile spread across her face, and I noticed with a surprised shock that Alice trailed in behind her. What else had I missed?

Jasper finished the train barreling into the room, and I realized his special talent had played a very big part in my downfall.

Ashton patted me on the shoulder again. "You just got Punk'd, my friend! WA-HA! You should be proud; you're the first mystical creature ever to fall for one of my pranks! We should induct you into the Punk'd hall of fame!" He laughed his crazy laugh, and gestured towards the cameras.

"Admit your defeat, Edward!" Alice sang.

I turned to the cameras that had followed Alice in exasperatedly. "I just got Punk'd."

I was never going to live this one down.

**The End!**


	4. Shock Therapy

_Author's Note: This is just a little left over animosity towards Mr. Black. It's hard to let old habits die._

_Enjoy!_

_Summary: A nervous Jacob asks Bella about her first date, and, when Edward overhears, Jacob gets just a bit more than he bargained for._

**Shock Therapy**

Her eyes clouded over slightly, struggling through the muck that made up most of her human memories. Finally, with a smile that lit up her face, Bella looked back up at him. "I was totally and completely terrified." Her smile filtered off slightly, to turn sheepish.

"Because you were nervous, right?" A usually perceptive, at least when it came to Bella, Jacob Black asked.

She laughed a tinkling laugh, but it still somehow reminded him of the laugh she'd shared with him back when their lives had been _so_ much more complicated. "No, Jacob, I wasn't nervous. Well," she amended. "I guess I was nervous, extremely, so nervous it would actually be better classified as frightened for my life."

He frowned slightly, because he had been so off-base or because of her answer, Bella couldn't tell. He continued to stare at her questioningly. What had Edward done to frighten her so much? It was a testament to the newfound affection he had found for his future father-in-law that he did not grow angry at the mere thought.

She guessed the path his thoughts had taken. "No, it wasn't anything Edward did.I was being stalked, and if it wasn't for Edward, I probably would have died."

Jacob snorted reluctantly, and answered the question in Bella's eyes. "What a way to set the mood."

His and Bella's laughs mingled together then, and were soon joined by another. This one was deeper, but just as amused. It was amazing how they could laugh now, laugh at a memory that could come nowhere to being classified as a happy moment for any of them.

Edward Cullen walked into the room, his pale skin glowing unintentionally at the sight of his beloved. He nodded at Jacob, his eyes holding a different sort of warmth for him. Warmth made up of friendship, of family. Then he turned back to his Bella. "By the way, that wasn't our first date."

"Oh, it wasn't, was it?" She argued. "Well, we ate, you lent me your jacket, and you drove me home." She ticked the list off on her fingers, her whole face animated with the amusement she felt. "That seems like a date to me, don't you think, Jacob?"

He only shrugged, knowing Edward would defend his statement.

Edward shook his head, moving in his quick way to sit next to her. "A date is pre-arranged; it is planned out, and doesn't happen in reaction to a life-threatening event. And, only you ate, if you remember correctly." He smiled deviously at her.

"Let's just agree to disagree, I'm sure Jacob had a point to his question, and he doesn't want to wait for you to lose yet another argument to prove it." She relieved his look of casual outrage with a kiss, pulling away only when Jacob groaned impatiently.

"Of course, how rude of me to distract from the point of Jacob's question. I'm just as eager to hear it as you are." Edward's eyes flashed to Jacob's, and Jacob was surprised to see a hint of the anger that he used to be _so_ familiar to him edged into them.

"Well, I, uh, I was just wondering. It might be something I have to deal with soon." A new emotion flicked into Edward's eyes then, as he read the thoughts Jacob wished he could compress, but only fled to the front the harder he tried.

It _would_ have been funny, the way Edward's eyes bulged out of his head.

Jacob was sure he would have had a hearty chuckle out of the scene, if he had not been sitting in the seat he was now, in the situation he was in currently.

"_Absolutely not!_" Edward spat.

Realization decorated Bella's features, and she let out a small laugh. Edward turned to her, his face livid. "He is not going to date our daughter!" He half-yelled, the sound screeching slightly to the occupants of the room's sensitive hearing.

She laughed directly into his face, something only Bella could do. "Of course he is! You knew this was coming, Edward."

He sputtered angrily, realized he was fighting a losing battle, leaned back against the couch, and glared at Jacob Black.

Bella, picking up the lull in the conversation, smiled. "Jacob, of course you can take out Renesmee…"

"… on one condition." Edward Cullen finished, a smirk defining his lips.

* * *

"You look really nice tonight, I mentioned that didn't I?" Jacob Black asked, leaning his head over the flowery centerpiece.

Renesmee Cullen nodded her head, a happy smile spreading across her face.

And she _did_ look nice, Jacob thought. Although, _nice_ wasn't exactly the first adjective he'd use, if it wasn't for…

_ZAP!_

He shuddered slightly, and changed the subject. "So, how was school today?" He asked, that was an innocent enough topic, right?

She surprised him by laughing loudly. "It's our first date, after you've waited on me for over seven years, and the only things you can think to ask me are if you've told me I looked good tonight and how my school day was?" She leaned towards him, a piece of her bronze hair falling into her eye; it sparkled in the light from the candles. "Come on, Jacob. You can do better than that."

She smiled up at him, and his heart kicked into overdrive. He wanted to lean farther over, so he could just reach over and…

_ZAP!_

Okay, okay, mission aborted. "Well… seen any good movies lately?" He stuttered out, still reeling.

She glared at him. "Well, since you asked, I did see one about a couple on their first dates."

He smiled, that didn't seem so bad. "And?"

"And the boy was being extremely annoying, so the girl was almost ready to get up and leave, and then the boy did something to redeem himself." She smiled up at him again.

He smiled back at her. "Hey, I think I saw this movie." He paused to wink at her. "And I think what the boy did to redeem himself was…"

_ZAP!_

Renesmee Cullen, having enough of her father's interfering ways, leaned around Jacob, to glare angrily at the back of a head.

A head she knew very well.

"Dad." She said, her voice quiet, but carrying to him nonetheless.

"Yes?"

"You're ruining the moment, here."

Edward Cullen turned his face to her, his expression delighted. "Oh, I know," he said, holding up a small remote. "I just couldn't resist." And he rested his other arm on the back of his booth.

In the hand attached to that arm, he was clutching a small remote, a remote that controlled a conveniently place shock-collar that rested around Jacob Black's neck. "But it's about time someone taught that dog a new trick."

_Author's Note: Ha-ha. :)_


	5. Intelligent Moviegoers

_Author's Note: Last night, while watching __The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson__, they played a trailer for a movie called __Brideshead Revisited__, and a review snippet used said, "The movie intelligent movie-goers have been waiting for all year." Or something to that effect._

_So, as usual… I twisted it to fit Edward and Bella._

_:)_

_That's me, bringing whole new meaning to the word "obsessed."_

**Intelligent Movie-goers**

The lobby of the movie theater had finally begun to clear, smiling couples and groups of giggling girls heading towards the various different rooms for their various different movies. Music could already be heard filtering out as the people running in late opened the doors, missing the beginning of the previews.

Only one lone couple remained.

"… they said it was 'the movie intelligent movie-goers have been waiting for all year,' you know." Edward Cullen said, glancing down at the brunette girl beside him.

She looked at the movie with questioning eyes. "Plus, it's a romance. Probably like _Atonement._"

He nodded his head in agreement. "And _Atonement_ won an Oscar."

"Uhm-hum." Her eyes flitted over to another poster.

He followed her gaze. "We've already seen that one, love. Twice."

She grinned at him ruefully. "But, really, I think you have to see a really good movie three times before it really sinks in."

He laughed, shrugging his shoulders. "I wouldn't really classify us as 'intelligent movie-goers' anyway."

She gave him a quick kiss, and pulled him to the ticket stand.

"Two for _Stepbrothers."_

**The Pointless End.**

**:)**


End file.
